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Zombies on campus: Police deny reports of zombie attacks at USU

October 4th, 2011 Posted in Opinion

By the Staff of JCOM 1130

LOGAN—With a trail of pencils and notebooks left behind in his wake, a frantic Utah State University student sprinted across campus and away from the monster lumbering toward him. As the creature neared, they frightened student turned, aimed his gun, fired a missed shot and tried to reload.

But he wasn’t quick enough.

Soon the student was dead.

And then he was undead, rising from the ground as a mindless zombie no different than the creature that had taken his life.

Students at USU on Monday were brandishing Nerf guns at their side due to the recent reports of a zombie epidemic on campus. USU Police have confirmed that there have been some reports of undead activity but one key public safety official has steadfastly denied that there is an actual zombie epidemic on campus.

Acting USU police chief for paranormal activity Abe Branaham said that there is not a zombie problem at the school. “The thought that mindless zombies are running around campus is asinine,” Branaham said. “The problem is with the media, if they go around spreading rumors of a zombie attack it will start a mass panic.”

That leaves safety in the hands of individual students. Though proven effective in stunning the zombies, the Nerf guns have the potential to harm other students — especially if hit in the eye. But Branaham stressed that students have a constitutional right to bear arms and said he would not interfere. “I trust the marksmen on campus and I have no worries about anyone getting injured,” he said.

USU student John Penrod disagreed with Branaham’s accessment if the situation, noting that he has witnessed zombies on campus.

“I was walking near the quad and I saw a zombie sprint out of the business building toward a student. Someone yelled out ‘zombie’ and the kid quickly turned around and shot the zombie in the face,” Penrod said.

Campus authorities said that if the reports of a zombie attack are correct, students can seek refuge in any USU building. Zombies are not capable of entering any building to attack humans.

Branaham said that his police units will be patrolling USU as normal and will not be making any extra effort to increase safety and order on campus because of the zombie reports.

“There is no real threat or problem with the zombie attacks on campus, just unconfirmed reports and I take full responsibility of any accidents if these reports are real,” he said.



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